• Stefan Neff

From Zero To Hero Chapter 10

The Ugly Truth Showed Itself

The next day started with a bang, it was filled with joy and happiness as if she never left. We were back in the moment of things, learning about what makes us tick, working together like a well-oiled machine. We had an intense sexual attraction toward each other that was undeniable.


Later that night I remember an uneasy feeling coming over me. As we were sitting on the sofa relaxing and cuddling after a long day, we started watching some TV. I told her about how our life would be after we got married and lived together forever.


Suddenly she started to go into this deeply disturbing mental state and burst out into crying jags without any warning. I felt like I hadn’t done anything wrong to cause this, but I suddenly realized that she had two faces. I couldn’t believe what was happening that night. Every time I tried to comfort her she started screaming with such force that the whole house was awoken.


Everyone thought that I was physically abusing her but I wasn’t doing anything to her. This is so hard to talk about, but it must be told so that people can understand the effects mental abuse can have on someone that is suffering from depression and or anxiety.


I would try to hold her close to me but she pulled back. I would console her with loving words, but nothing worked. This went on for about an hour or so and all of a sudden she fell asleep in my arms. The next morning she didn’t seem to remember anything from the night

before.


“Why are you sleeping on the couch?” she asked the next day. I felt helpless. Was this the woman that I knew or was it a sign of what was about to be my worst nightmare come true?


I didn’t know what to say except, “You started crying for no reason.” She didn’t believe me at all, and I felt that she was blocking out everything that happened. This was the start of one moment that I would never forget. As I tried to get closer to her, the more she pushed me away. Whenever I would mention her past she would change the subject all of a sudden.


I was getting the message -Don’t talk to me anymore. If you want to be with me, then stop bringing up my past life in Japan. I felt confused by these conversations, but I truly loved her with all my heart.


Time went on and we soon forgot about that horrible experience. I thought she was OK now,

but what I didn’t know was this woman had lots of internal issues that were bubbling up like

a volcano, ready to explode at any moment. I could feel a rising tension in the air. It felt like

anything I would say could cause her to blow.


There were times when I would say the slightest word to her and Tomoko would start to cry for no reason. I would mention something about life situations for example, talking about my past childhood experiences then asking her about her family life from the past. It seemed that it triggered dramatic memories that happened in her life and brought upon intense emotions for her. For example, she was disciplined a lot. She was told to stand in the middle of the street all day long blocking traffic or she was burned with a cigarette by her father. She told her one time that he was going to kill her with a knife because she was a bad child. Tomoko had a traumatic childhood.


One time she was told that someone was going to come after 6 pm at night to kill her if she was playing the piano. Living with constant threats traumatized her and she reacted strongly every time I mentioned her past.


I tried to console her but I knew that anything I said would make it worse. When I went close to her, she would pull away with a fearful look on her face.


I didn’t know what to do. I was absolutely stuck on what to do next. I would ask her what was wrong and that often made it worse. I felt there was nothing I could do except pull away from myself. She would fall asleep and not remember anything from the night before.


I dared not mention it the next day because it might bring back the same scenario from the previous night. I thought to myself, “What the heck am I supposed to do or say? Was this woman meant for me? Was our life going to be all focused on the fears and pains in

her life? “


I would ask my mother what to do and she said. “There’s something wrong with her, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” I absolutely disagreed with her. Deep in my heart, I knew there was something I could do to fix her.


I felt that there was something from her past that was causing these traumatic episodes. Maybe something from her childhood, maybe something that her father did to her. But I wasn’t sure what it was, only she knew the real truth and it was somewhere hidden within her

mind.


When she wasn’t bursting into tears, our time together was wonderful, full of love full of passion like no other I had before. I wondered if this was my fault. Maybe I was the one that was causing this. I wasn’t sure, I’m truly not a doctor, but I felt that in my heart, in my soul, I was meant to be with this woman, no matter what was going on in our lives. I felt that this woman was the one for me, even though she had so many problems, so many issues.


I couldn’t help but wonder though, was she truly hiding something so painful, so devastating that she was broken beyond repair? I wanted to help her so bad that I was weeping inside. The only way that I could deal with my own pains was by drinking and smoking marijuana.


I thought to myself, “Maybe if I give her some marijuana it might help her.” All it did was make things worse and impact me deep into my soul.


The depths of her pain were so integrated with her family, that nothing I would say would make a difference. I thought, “Maybe she needs a special doctor. Maybe she needs a psychiatrist?” I didn’t know how to bring it up to booking an appointment, and when I asked her if she had ever seen a doctor about her problems before, she avoided the question.


“Why do I need a doctor?” She said. “I’m fine, just leave me alone and I’ll deal with my own problems.” I felt mentally drained from this ordeal but there was nothing I could do except watch her suffer.


I wondered if I should hide my true feelings about what was going on? That was how I usually dealt with problems in the past. I had to decide if I was going to help her. I worried that helping her might destroy me. I didn’t want to think about it though. All I wanted to do was let it go.


We all have to figure out our own problems, no one else can help fix us. My parents had taught me to hide my true feelings, to hide my pains. They always said, “Suck it up and be a man.” My father taught me a lesson that his father had taught him. “Don’t cry, don’t show fear, don’t show weakness. Showing weakness is the worst kind of man you could ever be.”I wondered if he was right.


I thought he was the worst man I’d ever met. He didn’t show any compassion or true feelings. He had hurt me so many times that I couldn’t help but think, “How can you say to me, ‘be a man’, because in my heart you aren’t a real man.”


I felt so many emotions, so many feelings swirling around in my mind, with too many branches. I didn’t know how to deal with it all at once. I had nobody I could talk to about my inner feelings, especially my family. They didn’t even understand who I was. How could they possibly understand somebody else’s feelings?


I had to go with my gut feeling about this beautiful woman. I knew she had something special within her. She was like a precious flower, ready to bloom, but I didn’t know what to feed her to help her bloom. It was my mission to find out though.


Was I playing God? Maybe, but I didn’t care because I wanted to be with this extraordinary woman. I remember one time I had to ask her for rent money for her stay. I was so afraid but my Mom had said that she had to pay for her stay if she wasn’t going to work on the farm. In my gut, I wanted to say, “Shut up Mom! This is going to be my wife. Why are you asking her to pay to be my wife?” I was too afraid to say no to my mother. I thought she knew best, but she didn’t. With my head held in shame, I asked Tomoko for the money. She said yes, without any hesitation. I was so ashamed to ask her because she was the love of my life. I felt like a

beggar. Here I was sleeping in the same room with her, having sexual relationships with her and asking her for money. I felt like I was getting her to pay to play. I thought this was truly wrong in my gut.


I didn’t allow my guts to tell me what to do, what to say or how to act. I pushed my true feelings down within myself. I wanted to hide in a dark corner, somewhere in the shadows in my life.


This was harming my image of who I wanted to be. I was always being told what to do, where to go and how to do it, by my parents. I didn’t even feel like a real person, especially a man. I was controlled by my parents, mostly my mother. My father and I stop listening a long time ago and he knew it.


It was time to step up to the plate and move forward once and for all, but I wondered if I had the strength to leave my pains behind me. Could I follow my inner feelings? This was a question in my life that I couldn’t figure out on my own. I felt like a jellyfish with no backbone, swimming in a vast ocean with no end in sight, being pushed around by the strong currents.


How could I move on with my life without a clear path to happiness? Was this a dead-end road that I was travelling on? Was this the right path to happiness? It’s like going on a road trip without a map to guide you. Nowhere to go, no end in sight for me. Until she...


Look forward to the answer I received in the Next Chapter...


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