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  • Writer's pictureStefan Neff

From Zero To Hero Chapter 14

The Moment Of Truth Shows Itself

The Moment Of Truth Shows Itself

With the age of computers and all the bells and whistles, I realized that I could make contact with my son through a video call once a week. Well, that’s what I wanted to do, but did I really follow through on that plan? No, I made so many excuses as to why I couldn’t. I was too busy! I had so much work to do! My Internet wasn’t very good! I had so many more excuses all lined up ready to unload on my son. But the real reason was, I want to drink alcohol and smoke drugs to hide from my real life. I didn’t want to face the truth about how bad my life really was.

My son was a victim of my selfishness. All I wanted to do was escape from the pains in my heart and mind. Was this the solution to life’s self-reflections for what the world was all about or was I hiding from my real truth? I thought this was normal behaviour to ignore my feelings, to push them down deep into my guts and hopefully never see them ever again. This is what I was doing all my life. A “Who cares,” attitude about the people I thought cared for me: family friends etc.

I didn’t care about anyone except myself. This was my pattern in life, never really caring for anything but my own feelings. The truth was I really could hide my pain in a bottle of whiskey or a big fat joint, this was the escape zone that I created in my reality.

The times when I did talk to my son were enjoyable, but I had a beer waiting for me in the refrigerator ready for action. This seemed to be a regular occurrence in my day-to-day routine of life.

One afternoon Tomoko mentioned to me that they may be planning a trip to Canada in the near future. My son, now almost two years old, wanted to see me in person. I wasn’t sure how to feel. I was scared of what this crazy Japanese woman was up to. I had so many conflicting thoughts running through my head about what could happen when they would come.

I said to her, “OK, come whenever you are ready.”

She then said, “Send us the money to come and we will come.”

I said, “I have no money, I don’t make enough to pay for you both to come.” Well, that made her mad.

She said, “If you don’t pay for this, we will never come.” At the time I had some ideas to make extra cash. I had started to sell drugs to pay for their ticket to come to Canada. I had finally found the motivation to make the money necessary to make it happen. I bought their ticket with drug money, how crazy is that? I knew that was the only possible way I could afford to send them the money for the tickets.

The time had finally arrived to see them and I was kind of happy but scared all at the same time. I really did have strong feelings about her. I did still love her. I needed her love so bad, that I couldn’t think of anything else in life. In my mind, I had convinced myself that she had been so advantageous to me. I had told myself that she hated me. I didn’t care about how much she hated me, I knew that I loved her so much, deep within my core being. I couldn’t explain it in words except what I felt for her was pure love.

The moment of truth arrived as I was waiting in the airport, watching the door where they would appear. My eyes were becoming so blurry with anticipation when all of a sudden I felt a thought come over my body. “They are coming through those doors right now.” They popped out from the empty hallway with bags in tow and I was over the moon with happiness.

I gave them both a hug with such force my eyes started to weep from deep within my soul. That started a wave of crying all around us, with her pouring out and my son not knowing what to do but holding me tightly. He looked like a baby bird holding his mouth wide open waiting for love. After what seemed like hours of hugging and crying, we started towards my awaiting car.

There wasn’t much to talk about as her English had been forgotten, and my son only spoke Japanese, but I was trying so hard to make everything funny, and they were laughing at everything I was saying. It seemed like a miracle that they were here. I couldn’t imagine not having them in my life.

I had everything ready for them at the house, a new paint job on the bedroom walls, new covers on the bed. I want them to feel right at home in a house where I lived without love. The man behind the eyes was searching for freedom of responsibility for what had transpired and from the many years of neglect.

I felt some redemption, but was feeling so afraid and filled with guilt that my body was trembling with sadness. I knew in my heart that my life wasn’t going very well and that something had to change. My question was, is it going to be a good change or was it going to be something that I was going to forever regret? My thoughts swirled around as I gazed into the window. I knew that I had to make a change or go back to the way I was living a few years prior, living a life of pain and agony.

Darkness had come and they were ready for bed. This was my time to escape into the dungeon that I called the basement. I had my stash of beer and drugs ready to consume, for this was my escape zone of life. It was so much easier to fall into my pains than it was to face my poor excuse for a life. I was an addicted fool, running from my full responsibility as a man, the man that others wanted me to be.

I truly wanted people to respect my feelings and cut me some slack, rather than see me as a failure. This had haunted me all my life, being told by so many people, “You are no good for nothing.” When life was easy I could deal with things, but when life became difficult, I hide from it with drugs and alcohol, for most of my life. Now I was thirty-four years old and still hiding from life. Twenty years of hiding from my true pains every day, forever running from my true self. I fell asleep that night wondering what was going to happen now that my family was back in my life, was this the opportunity of change or was I going to fail miserably as a father like I have been doing with my older son from a previous relationship?

The morning arose from the deepest of night like it did every day of my life, but this time I wanted to take a new look at what might possibly be a new beginning. The day looked like a beautiful day to start over again. A few weeks went by with every day bringing us closer

together, like a real family again. What a glorious moment in time, I never wanted it to end. I really started to feel alive again and I felt like things starting to fall into place.

I was beginning to think we could become lovers once again and be a happy family with a good life. Things were good for about a month until she found out about my drug operation behind the barn. I was growing over 100 pot plants to make money and provide me with the pot to smoke. This crop was going to make it so that I didn’t need to worry about money through the wintertime. I thought it would also give me all the money I needed to travel back to Japan.

What a great plan I had, well at least I thought so until she saw me for the criminal I really was. I didn’t want to stop selling pot, because the money was too good. And hey, the growing pot was easy. It was easier than working that’s for sure.

We had a long discussion about what I was doing back behind the greenhouse. I lied and told her all I was doing was growing tomatoes. She didn’t know the difference between drugs and vegetables so I thought I could pull one over on her. I thought there was such a thing as a perfect criminal, well that was a mistake.

The lie lasted for about a week before she figured it out. I couldn’t seem to hide anything from her. She ask me a question and she didn’t understand my answer very well and got mad at me. I said “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH?” She smacked me so hard across the face that she hurt her hand. Meanwhile, our son was sitting right beside her. I said to him “YOUR MOTHER IS CRAZY! Did you see what she just did to me?”

The next day came, and I was handed a piece of paper that she had brought with her from Japan. She handed me divorce papers that she had prepared before she came. She said, “You need to sign this so I can once and for all get you out of my life forever.”

I said, “No way you crazy bitch. What are you doing to me? What the F@#k are trying to do to me? I won’t sign this.” She started to cry and said, “Do it for your son, so he can finally forget you. I need you to do this for him, just do it,” she said with this voice that burned into my soul.

I said, “Let’s talk about this, we can work this out as a family. I will stop growing drugs and become a better father.”

“No way,” she said. “Just sign the papers so I can do what I need to do to survive.” I couldn’t believe what was happening, I started feeling sorry for myself.

“I didn’t mean to say what I said. I am so, so sorry for that please forgive me.”

She said, “You are all talk and no action, just like before. You said that before and you never did it. Stop lying to me, you are a liar, I hate you so much. Sign the papers and take me to the airport tomorrow.”

I loved my son so much that I signed the papers. It felt like the most painful moment of my life. I took them to the airport the next day, with anger in my heart. I was so distorted, that I couldn’t even look them in the eyes anymore as I drove them to the airport. I didn’t want to say goodbye because that would have been the end of everything for me. After dropping them off, I drove to the end of the runway to watch their plane take off. Tears were clouding my vision. My thoughts were so broken, that I couldn’t even drive my car home. I stayed there until the sun went down, shocked that they were really gone.

The first thing I wanted to do was go to the pub and get so drunk that I wouldn’t even remember the day. I literally wanted to die. I don’t remember too much until I woke up the next morning, in my bed, with all my clothes on and blood on my hands.

I write in the Next Chapter about how My Ex-Wife Went To Jail...

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