From Zero To Hero Chapter 4
This was the day of truth, she was coming to stay for three months. I was acting so casual but inside it felt like I was a little boy waiting for his new red wagon to show up. But in this case, I was waiting for the woman that would forever change the course of my life. I think on some level I was aware of this, but I had squashed that part of me down so often that all I got
was a general feeling of something big about to happen. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I knew that I was going to change in one way or another.
I remember that my mother went to pick her up. I was a little disappointed that I couldn’t be the one to get her from the farm she had been staying in. I wanted to be the hero who rescues the damsel in distress, but no one cared about that except for me. My thoughts were all bundled up inside me in a jumbled mess.
I couldn’t wait to finish my job that day, because I finally had something to look forward to. I couldn’t wait to meet her again. That was all I could think about the whole day. As I was driving home I thought, “I feel so nervous. What’s going on?” so I decided to forgo my normal routine of going to the local pub on the way home after a long day so that I could meet her sooner. But as it turned out, I couldn’t resist stopping by for my usual beer at the bar. I would go to the same place every day to get my daily fix of beer and strippers. This was the only interaction I had with women. I saw the women on stage pleasing men for money. I knew what I was doing by avoiding going home, but didn’t understand why I was doing it. The most basic answer was that I wanted to see naked women.
This, I thought, was a normal life, looking at women with eyes wide open, and then you go home and drink to forget about why you don’t have a wife or girlfriend. I couldn’t help but think that maybe now that the new girl was here, things might change for me. In the meantime, I need something to chill out my anxiety about meeting her again. Well, at least this is what I was telling myself in my head.
If you know about addictions, you know that there is nothing stopping a person from their problems. After a few beers, actually six, I decided to drive home and as I was driving I rolled up a big joint for the ride. This was my usual routine, beer and marijuana to help fill my mind with nothingness, every day of my life.
I had finally arrived at the house feeling so relaxed and ready to take on the world, or so I thought. I started to walk into the house and then I stopped right at the doorway thinking, “I smell like liquor and pot. What are they all going to think of me?”
I started looking for something to get rid of the smell, so I went to the pine tree beside the house to chop some wood. “Great idea!” I thought. “I’ll chop some wood and make a fire.” I had picked up a twelve-pack of beer to drink at home and then started to chop wood while I drank more beer. What a Fucking idiot I was. The woman I wanted was waiting for me in the house and I couldn’t even muster up the courage to go in to meet her. I was so intimidated, that all I wanted to do was drink beer. “OK,” I said to myself, “Get inside, right now! You are so frigging scared of women and you say you have been waiting for this all day.” A little voice in my head said, “JUST DO IT!”
“OK,” I said. “I will I will!” So, I filled my arms full of firewood and went straight through the kitchen and down to the living. There was nobody there. “What is going on here?” I thought.
I looked at the time and it was now about ten o’clock at night. Yes, ten o’clock! I didn’t realize how fast time was going by, and everyone had already gone to bed. This was my true pattern in life, never knowing what was most important in life, only thinking about what I wanted and what would make me feel good right now. I was drinking and partying my life away.
I made a fire anyways and started to drink more beer. Well, that was the plan, but what happened next was shameful in the eyes of the world. I couldn’t control my urge to see her face that night, so I snuck outside quietly, with the intention to view her face through her window as she slept. I stumbled around half-drunk searching for a ladder in the dark of night, determined to sneak a peek. Her light was still on, “Yes!” I thought, “She’s still awake and waiting for me.”
I found my tall ladder and placed it just right, so I could see everything, but all the while my heart was pounding with fear and excitement at the same time. I knew in my gut what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’t care if it was wrong. All I wanted was to see her face. I felt like a criminal in so many ways as I sat perched high above the ground like a pervert in the sky. I found myself so captivated by this I didn’t want to sleep that night. All I want to do was gaze into the window even though it was freezing cold out. The warmth of seeing her was more than enough to keep me from freezing in the winter’s air.
As I watched her through the second-floor window she disappeared below my view. Was this goodnight for my pleasure of the night or did I want more? I wanted more, so I climbed down and moved the ladder so very quietly like a burglar in the night, right next to the house just
below her window, climbing up the ladder slowly so nobody could hear me.
As I reached the top of the ladder I wondered what I was going to see. Was she sleeping or was it my imagination getting the best of me? I really wanted to see her half naked. What I saw absolutely amazed me. There she was, sitting on the floor cross-legged, looking like a person praying or Meditating. Her legs were crossed over each other with her hands joined together looking at the wall in front of her. “Wow,” I thought, “This is absolutely amazing,” but my imagination was disappointed that she was fully clothed.
I stood and watched her for an hour, or at least it seemed like an hour. Time felt like it was standing still, with moments of pause within my mind. I was starting to feel the effects of the beer wearing off and it was calling me to go back down for some more liquid courage. I climbed down and went in search of another beer. As I cracked open a new bottle of beer
I looked at the clock and realized, it was 2 o’clock in the morning.
During the next chapter, I will share something beyond your imagination...