From Zero To Hero Chapter 5
I Started To Manipulate Her Soul
With the winter months being so drab, I thought of so many ways to make life a little more fun and exciting at the farm. I would find ways to create a thought pattern of work and playtime around my life. I had been a single father to my eight-year-old son for many years. I used his child-like appeal to curve her mind to think I was the most amazing man in the world. I wanted her to think I had life all figured out because of the fact that being a single father was so hard and was a challenge in life. But to tell you the truth now I was using a child in my care to my benefit, to capture her feelings and make her feel sorry for me.
I wanted to give her the impression that I needed help in raising my son because I was a helpless single father. To tell you the truth, that was in my thoughts almost every day that she was living at my home. I wanted a mother for my child. I was thinking of the pain my son felt from his mother leaving him. I did truly love him but was mostly thinking of the pain that this
situation caused me in my life. I was searching for the relationship services of a new mother for me and for my son. When I noticed that she was becoming very attached to my son, I knew I had her hooked. This was my ticket in and a crazy smile spread across my face.
This was my way to make people do things for me without asking. I wanted people to feel sorry for me for being a single father. I wanted people to understand me and look at me. I am the centre of the whole universe. I was the perfect manager of mass manipulation of people and their thoughts towards whatever I wanted in life. But at the end of the day, I got nothing out of being a manipulator, only more pain and suffering.
There was nothing positive about living in a state of truth about what I call a negative mindset. I remember wanting her to babysit while I went to meet a friend to buy my marijuana and that was every second day. Every day I smoked pot and it all became a fuzzy mess. There were times I didn’t even think about who I really was, only that my life was full of confusion.
Christmas break was fast approaching and there was very little or no work at that time, so all my time was spent living on the farm smoking and drinking for the most part. But nobody knew what I was doing because I had carved out a hiding place in the barn where nobody could find me or I would be “building” a new project to make my mind at ease. My days went to a place of disillusion about what was right and wrong in life. My son would be playing inside
the house with her creating laughter and joy or so it seemed like it at the time. But for me, I was content with everyone leaving me alone until I came out to eat dinner and make a fire before it got dark out.
Life wasn’t always humdrum every day but my thoughts were running wild. I do remember what time I did spend with her over the winter holidays, was very enjoyable. When I could think of things to say to her, that is, without repeating the same stories over and over again. So I would wait for the opportunity to have as much fun as possible when I was with her. I wasn’t a very good conversationalist. I had a short attention span and was always looking for opportunities to learn about her rather than talk about my true feelings. This made things much easier to manage and easier for me to manipulate her thoughts by wanting to know about her life in Japan.
The only thing she seemed interested in was drinking beer and telling simple life stories. “Wow, I thought, she’s absolutely perfect! Just what the doctor ordered.” As the days went on we became closer and closer, and we began to truly understand who each other where inside, but knowing nothing about our true feelings about ourselves.
I knew exactly what to say to make her love me, I created this thought that if I cared for her feelings she would think I was the most amazing person for her. This was my way of manipulating her to think I had all the answers, but beneath the surface, it was all lies. I remember one night I invited some friends over and we had a party. I noticed this one friend of mine was making eye contact with her. Well, this started a huge fear in me. What if she started to like him before I had a chance to really connect my feelings toward her?
All my fears came true. She was drawn to his charming way. We all were drinking that night and I could see that her sexual feelings started to race toward him like a teenager looking for love. I was enraged and feeling sick that my passion for her was being stolen right out from under my nose. I didn’t like this one a little bit. I thought to myself, “What a little dirty girl she is. She came to my house to love me, nobody else.” I watch them like a hawk, flying over every move they made. This was so uncomfortable because I hadn’t really told her my true feelings yet. I didn’t want her to be with anyone else but me. I thought if I kept close to them that they wouldn’t disappear into a dark place in the house. Well, what happened next has my fear come true. I went to get a new beer for her from the fridge, and when I came back she had vanished into that dark place of sexuality. I ran all over the house yelling, “Where are you?” opening every door and stomping my feet in every direction to make it known that I was mad. This was my house, this is my girlfriend, without ever telling her my real feelings.
I had expected her to understand that she was mine, without my saying anything to her. What a foolish and selfish man I was to think that someone would actually love me without knowing the truth. I was expecting her to figure it out, just by my acting out my wishes and hoping for her to fall in love with me. I finally found them in a very compromising position,
looking guiltily like they had done something wrong, and that hurt me.
I never wanted to know the truth about what happened but in my “manway” of thinking, I figured that they did everything that I had wanted to do. I couldn’t tell her my feelings because they were trapped deep within my soul. I was afraid of the truth, that she really
didn’t love me, even though I’d only known her for two months. What a child I was to assume that someone would actually love me.
That night I couldn’t hold back anymore, I told her that I wanted to marry her and that I wanted to be with her forever. This, I will never forget. She said, “Why do you love me?”
I said, “ I don’t why, but something inside me is telling me that I want to be with you forever.”
She told me these painful words, “I don’t think you really love me. NO, I won’t marry you.” I was a crushed and broken man at that point. I couldn’t speak nor feel anything anymore. My life had just been flattened with an absolute disappointment of huge proportions. It was like the earth had been destroyed and I was the only person alive and would die alone.
“I’m never going to find happiness or love in my life,” I thought, crawling away like a wounded animal not saying a word. The next day was even more painful. I felt like I needed to avoid her like the plague at all costs. Every time I would see her, a strike of pain rose up my spine like someone was controlling my every emotion. “What is this?” I thought to myself until I couldn’t stand it anymore. Days went by with this enormous fear hanging over me. “Is this it? Is my time with her all finished already?”
This felt like a teenage movie that went very badly. What I was feeling inside? What was my life going to be like if I didn’t try harder to make her love me? These were feelings that I felt every single day after that lonely night of disappointment. I knew that I couldn’t avoid her for much longer, I wanted to be with her.
“Let’s start again,” I thought. “Maybe I can do it a different way. Maybe I could be more for her.” I started to talk to her in a softer voice to make her realize that I was the one for her. I knew that she was going back to Japan in three weeks, and I needed to make a good impression or else she would be gone from my life forever. These were desperate times for a desperate man seeking out the love that seemed to be slowly disappearing from his radar. It
would force the actions of a lonely soul, wandering around the farm like a little boy looking for his lost puppy. Was this the last time I would ever see her? Would I find it within myself to open my heart to be attacked with kisses and love forever, or would I lose myself in her arms that would seem to be cold as ice with her every touch? I wanted her to love me with all my dreams. That thought was stuck in my brain every day. With the days going by like crazy, I became a man on a mission of love, I finally caught her with my web of lies and deceit. It shaped our relationship together and was the start of a toxic relationship, that I called love.
Chapter 6 coming soon...
The Sexual Moment Of Truth...