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  • Writer's pictureStefan Neff

From Zero To Hero Chapter 7

Saying Goodbye

To say goodbye to someone you have just fallen in love with is the most painful feeling a person can experience in their life. I had to face that experience after meeting the woman of my dreams. We spent so many precious moments together, learning about each other and getting to know the good and the bad. I didn’t want it to end and I couldn’t stop thinking about her leaving for her home country of Japan. I tried to block it out of my mind but my feelings ran very deep, so it was constantly on my mind.

Letting her go was one thing that I will never forget because, for me, this was it, this was my one true love. I didn’t know whether she had the same feelings for me, which made me half crazy.

It was a difficult time in my life, letting someone get that close to my heart and wondering if she was going to rip my heart out or whether she would return my love. Days were flying by and her leaving date was fast approaching. I was looking for a glimmer of hope that maybe she would stay or at least come back for a visit. We had discussed her returning in a few

months, but there was no guarantee that it would come true. But in the meantime, I could dream and maybe it would come true. I tried to put my fears to the back of my mind while she was still in my arms.

For those remaining days, we lived as if they were the last days we would ever have on eath. I was doing my best to create an everlasting experience of joy every day, constantly looking for ways to capture her heart. I could tell that this was going to be a hard stone to crack, as she was leaning towards getting cold feet.

I could feel the temperature getting colder as the days grew ever so near. I dropped hints, and asked pointed questions like, “Are you coming back to Canada?” I was like a lost puppy. Her voice was uncertain and her lips trembled as she spoke about her life in Japan. It told me that she wasn’t all that committed to coming back here. Her life was in Japan and it was calling her home.

I tried with all my mental strength to convince her that I was a good person and that I was the one for her. But in reality, all I was doing was telling her lies about my true intentions. I was looking for a mother for my child, who had been forgotten in so many ways. I was searching for something that I could hold on to.

Was there any truth to what I was saying? I didn’t even know my own truth, that couldn’t be denied. This whole situation was all about ME, ME, ME. I needed to be loved by someone, that was my pain. I was looking for love in all the wrong ways, always seeking happiness

from some external source besides my own. Yes, I wanted a mother for my son, but this was really about me wanting someone to make me happy.

The days were coming fast, but I wanted time to stop all together. Finally, the moment arrived with a force of fear that was like a huge trap that I set for her. I told her, “I love you! I don’t know how I’m going to live without you. Please come back, please.” I pleaded.

I found the thoughts swirling in my mind over and over again. I couldn’t find the words to fully express the depth of pain I was feeling. Only my facial expressions told the story of anguish that I couldn’t believe was happening in my life. I didn’t want to live a life without her near me.

The night before her departure I was a broken man. My arms were crossed and I couldn’t help making up a whole pile of “what if” stories in his head. We held each other with a lasting gentleness, never wanting to let go of these last few moments together. Each of us silently wonders what is going to happen in the future. As we fell asleep waiting for the morning sun to rise, tears were falling from our eyes as I scoured her face for any whisper of hope.

I thought this would be easier, but the truth was these were the hardest moments that I have ever had to face. Driving to the airport with her bags packed, seeing her ready to leave on the next flight of my life my stomach dropped to the bottom of my soul. I was so full of emotions that it was like the world had crumbled beneath my feet leaving me nowhere to

stand, nowhere to hide my feelings. This final moment was the end of true joy in my life.

The boarding pass was in her hand and her face was a mask with no emotions. I felt that her life wasn’t mine to keep. She showed me her true feelings at the gate of no return, the tears started to drop from her eyes, and her lips were quivering with sadness.

My heart was sinking below my stomach. All the emotions that were stirred up inside me flowed out. I started to feel an overwhelming urge to say, “Please don’t cry. Please come back to me.” I was looking deep inside her soul with the intention of begging her but I couldn’t. I knew this wasn’t the end of our life together, but didn’t know how it would actually turn out so I kept silent.

As we embraced with all the emotions attached to our hearts, we knew that this was the moment that we both dreaded but knew would come eventually.

She turned away as if to say goodbye, but in my heart, this was not goodbye. The hello again was in our future to come, I could just feel it. She started to walk away with luggage in tow. As her face started to disappear from my sight, a feeling of emptiness overwhelmed my body and soul. I was thinking at that moment, “What am I going to do with my life now? Am I

going to keep my feelings inside or am I going to live for tomorrow?” This was an awful emotional roller coaster that wasn’t going to end until I saw her lovely face again.

In Chapter 8 I will share what was the most difficult times of my life.

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