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  • Writer's pictureStefan Neff

The Courage To Be Sober Chapter 15

I Never Gave Up On Myself

When I was a little kid I never gave up playing sports when I was growing up. I could see the end result that was in front of me. Then when I stopped playing sports after high school the attraction to succeed was diminished because I didn’t receive admiration for what I accomplished anymore. It was like I had lost the ability to win the game, I had no reason to finish the race so to speak.

Until I realized that my life wasn’t all about winning in sports, I could start to win in the race of life. Everything was a competition for me even drinking alcohol I could drink more than everyone else I could roll the biggest joint. I could work harder than the other employees. I didn’t understand why people would dislike me for being so competitive toward them. I would sleep less and do more, this is what my mom taught me. If you worked harder she said,

then you can receive more in life. The harder I worked the more people thought I was an ass kisser.

I didn’t make too many friends after high school because I thought fewer people to compete with. I lived a lonely life in a bottle of despair. When I got a girlfriend I always tried so hard to make her happy and then got rejected because I was smothering her. My girlfriend told me to get off her back and go make myself happy. It was always a competition to me, how much I could do to make other people happy. This was my biggest learning opportunity in life. I learned that doing more for others before myself was only hurting my inner soul of who I wanted to be. I couldn’t live my life for myself if I was only making others happy.

What happened next was so friggin real that I could taste it in my mouth. I would push people away from me so I didn’t have to compete with them because I thought I needed to make myself happy first, all this got me was a man without friends. I was totally confused about what I was doing. If I tried too hard I would chase people away and if I didn’t help people I would be all alone in life.

I was stuck in the mud spinning my wheels going towards a nowhere land of sadness. What could I do? I asked myself where I was going, what was next for this lonely soul swimming in a fishbowl all alone. Would I stay a little goldfish or would I grow into a dolphin swimming free and easy in the vast waters of life? I wasn’t really sure what was going to happen to me. What I did know was I wasn’t going to give up on life, I would always move forward never giving up on my path of glory. I would happily be living in happiness without pain but I asked myself when would it be a dash of realism in my life.

This Was A Road I Traveled

1. I started with one thing and be the best at it before I move on to the next item in life

2. I learned to walk before I could run towards what I wanted

3. I had to create happiness no matter what anybody says or does to me

4. I needed to take accountability for my feelings

5. I learned to be authentic in life otherwise I wasn’t the man I wanted to be

6. Look upon others as if I was looking into a mirror at myself

7. See life as half full instead of half-empty

8. How I did everything is how I received what I wanted in life

9. I learned what was most important in my life at all times

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