• Stefan Neff

The Courage To Be Sober Chapter 19

Why I Needed Cocaine For Fuel

When I was nineteen years old I found the poison I needed to create the endorphins in my body to keep my fears from taking over my thoughts but that was a lie. I was a very active teenager with lots to do until I found myself without the pleasures of sports that kept my endorphins at peak performance.


When I stopped playing sports I was lacking fuel that always moved me towards what I needed. When I tried cocaine for the first time I had this feeling of euphoria injected into my brain that was replacing what I produced when I was playing sports. Yes, I said to my subconscious mind this is what you need but really what I needed was to truly understand what I was missing in my thoughts and feelings.


I could have done many different things to create endorphins. But, I found an easy solution to a problem that I didn’t want to face in my life. I was seeking love and care from others, that was my priority at the time, I wasn’t happy even if I was doing cocaine every day. The reason was I was chasing happiness like a dog trying to catch his tale. When I was close to catching the wave of happiness it would disappear as fast as it first came.


This was a vicious cycle that lasted for nearly a year. I would be out at twelve a clock at night looking for more. I wouldn’t come home until I caught the dragon that wasn’t really there. The dragon was the endorphins that I was seeking the whole time. This is the thing, I was always searching for something I didn’t have and was missing in my life. Happiness was there.


I just want to see it for what it was, deep inside of who I was already, but never knew I had happiness within me. I had used what I didn’t have as an excuse to be unhappy, so I could have others feel sorry for me. This was a long road with no end in sight always travelling this endless path of destructiveness along the way.


My relationships, my family and even my closest friends would disappear as fast as they entered my life. I would say it’s them NOT ME!! I didn’t want to accept the truth from anyone no matter who it was. I was a stubborn man on a mission of pain and misery. For this was my life in a nutshell until I saw the light many many years later thirty years to be accurate and honest about, living in fear of emptiness in life. I lost time but gained so much learning from

doing drugs, yes, it was a time of dysfunction in my life and wouldn’t change it for any amount of money in the world not even a billion dollars.


For this was my lesson towards what I received in my life now. Cocaine is a distant memory but I will never forget the truth I learned from my past. The past is my guild towards who I am and who I want to be on this glorious planet we call earth.


The Biggest Learning Opportunity For Me Was...

1. Everything happens for a reason

2. We all have pains that we don’t want to see

3. Catching the dragon is a myth

4. My tail is right in front of me

5. Never stop learning about who I want to be

6. Create happiness within never seek it from others

7. I am loved no matter what

8. See learning opportunities from every single moment of life

9. Be grateful for waking up every single day



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