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  • Writer's pictureStefan Neff

The Courage To Be Sober Chapter 36

What Were My Irrational Thoughts, Beliefs And Behaviours

This is what I said! I wasn’t good enough to be a superstar in life. I constantly had told my subconscious mind that I didn’t deserve to be successful in life. I was closing the door to my inner self-love, I had the desire to fail at all cost with a self-destructive irrational belief about myself.

I wanted people to look upon me as a failure so I could receive a poor me feeling. Why, because that was what made me feel alive. I was taught to see myself as kinda handicapped.

The only person who really saw me that way was ME. Yes, some people have said why can’t you talk properly or why can’t you read very well but when it comes to the real truth I was telling myself I wasn’t very smart. I just used this feeling so I could get attention from people or I could use it as an excuse to misbehave.

Yes, I was a little wild as a child always getting into trouble but now I look back, I see that I was kinda normal as children go. My thoughts were dictating what I had been for so many years. With the jobs, I had girlfriends and so on.

The reality is that I was creating these thoughts on a daily basis. I could have, and could have done things much different but I am unable to change the past, I can only create my future as well as live in my present life now. With my outrageous behaviours, I would act out with so much frustration towards my family and sometimes friends.

At my job, I never really showed my true feelings because then I might lose my job well. This is what I thought to myself deep inside my soul. Until I was given permission to do so and then all hell broke loose when I was given the chance to show my true anger. At this one job I had whereby I was given the lead hand position. I must have fired over 100 people in one year because they couldn’t live up to my standards because I had become the centre of power to pick and choose who I got to work with. I was power-hungry that drank alcohol after work to numb the pain I was feeling.

This wasn’t really who I was but I knew that the owner loved the fact that I got the job done. I had no friends at that job and that’s what drove me to behave much differently as a father and as a husband. Now I didn’t want to show my true pain at home. I would be super nice at home.

But as soon as I got to work my pains came out with a vengeance. This behaviour was absolutely self-destructive on so many levels. I was like Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

My emotional behaviour had been so F@@K up I never knew what was right or wrong in life. I would drink way too much and smoke two packs of cigarettes per day just to maintain a level of calmness about the pains that were bubbling inside me. Until I had enough I started to let go of all those thoughts and feeling all in one big blow-up. I knew it was time to get out of my bad behaviour and deal with my irrational thoughts.

How Did I Stop My Bad Behaviour?

1. Change my thought surrounding the words I was using

2. Create new emotional connections with my inner core values

3. Release my past pains and beliefs about my worth as a person

4. Ask Ask Ask myself what am I doing to improve my life on a daily basis

5. Give gratitude to people in my life

6. Love my inner child beyond anything else

7. Take 100% accountability for my thoughts feelings and actions

8. Create self-love affirmations to help me improve my personal growth

9. Let go of all the negative self-talk that was stopping me from moving


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